FSin's Thoughts

Time sure flies

Tomorrow will mark the third month since coming out and open about being bisexual. In general, one could say the way I came about it was just more of a blurt-out, and less a big epic moment that many think something like that should be. 

The last year or so changed me a lot more than I ever imagined. For the most part, I think I’m a far more nicer and even more tolerant person than I was way back when. Sure I still have my moments of selfishness and ignorance, and sometimes I can be inconsiderate, but in comparison to years prior, this is a definite change. 

I’ve made so many positive pluses this year that it’s almost insane to think about, and often I wonder if I even deserve them. I made some of the best friends I’ve ever imagined having, not to mention two people who I love with all my heart. Two people who I can’t imagine what I’d do without. 

Most importantly though, I think simply coming to terms with my thoughts and saying  ”You’re Bisexual Raymond. You know this, and you certainly can’t deny it much longer” is a relief off my mind and everything else. And honestly, I’m so damn proud to be bi. It’s given me more of an appreciation for who I love, regardless of gender or trivial things. 

I’m not going to toot my horn much longer here, so I’ll just say, I really hope anyone who reads this does find what makes them happy inside, and get a grip of who they are, and what they want to be. You all deserve happiness, don’t ever let yourself doubt it.

These last six months have been the greatest I’ve ever had. For so many reasons. 

I’ve made true friends

I’ve found people who love me

and I myself am finally getting to where I want to be sexually. One step at a time, but I’m getting there.

I just want to thank everyone who has helped me so far, and I hope I can help you as well.

Ups and Downs

It’s been three months to the day, and the time which I told Tay that I was in love with her. I still am, hell I’m more in love with her now than I was back in February. I have never had a relationship, let alone one that has lasted this long. And I’m often worried if she truly understands how important this is to me. It weighs on my heart the thought that it might not be as major to her as it is to me, but another part of my heart knows that is wrong to think.

This whole week has been rough on my mind for other reasons. My fears that I’ve become hated by people I respect because I voiced my opinion in a heated fashion continues to run through my mind, and it frightens me, as it makes me believe that I’m not as good a person as people tell me I am. I know I shouldn’t believe they hate me, but with how things went down, and recent unfollowings, I still believe that they do.

I’ve mentioned before how important MLP FiM has been for me. It’s earned me happiness, and love. Things I never thought I’d ever gained. But one of the most important things it’s given me is the best friends I’ve ever had. 

Honestly, I don’t know where I’d be without him. He does so much to help me feel better, and I do whatever I can to return the favor. He matters to me more than most people in this world, and I consider him closer than a brother. I do believe I could have used him in my life when I was younger, as he could have helped me at least feel more positive about myself, as I’ve always seen him be nothing but the true moral compass. 

I think about him just as much as I do Tay. And when he’s around, it makes me happy. And I hope I never lose that.

Today was a bad day.

Today was a bad day.

Honestly, the worst day I’ve had in a long time. And I know in the end of it all, it was over something so trivial in nature, yet honestly so important to me because to me it felt like the beginning. 

The beginning of losing everything I had, and everything I wanted. 

I felt hurt, and honestly still do. And I know what I’m hurt over shouldn’t matter, it’s such a minor thing I know. To lose your mind over such a low concern doesn’t exactly put me as the most sound of mind, and I know that. 

But still, it was the worst I’ve felt in a long time, perhaps ever.

The fear that this was going to be the start overwhelmed me. First we lose common interests, then we drift apart over other things. The thoughts that I was going to do something wrong, and the worst of them all, the thoughts that I should just end it all. They all came at me and I couldn’t think straight. I started to breate fast, my hands shook, and my eyes welled up with tears. I believe that’s what some people call an anxiety attack. I call it the worst feeling I’ve ever had. 

Even after that attack, the rest of the day still wouldn’t pick up. More bad thoughts filled my mind, and having to see another person I hold dear to my heart suffering from even worse pain beyond her control, this wasn’t a good day. 

I hold no one responsible for how things went down. I don’t hate anyone. In the end, I think I knew sooner or later, I was going to fall apart over something. Sad to see this was the catalyst that led to it. 

I don’t want her to hurt over this, and I’m trying my best to feel better, but right now, as strong a front as I do put on for my friends, and for the people I love, right now I am still just torn apart mentally, scared out of my wits, and I doubt I will be in the best of spirits for a little while. 

But, I will try my hardest… for her. Because she didn’t do anything wrong, and she shouldn’t feel bad for this, ever. She means everything to me. More than my own life at this point. She’s the reason I want to be here on this earth (well, her and my family, but the point is obvious). She’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and the first person I’ve loved who… loves me back…

I don’t want to lose her. I can’t lose her. And I will do whatever it takes to make sure I won’t lose her. 

In the end of it all, I look forward to tomorrow. Things look to be better on the horizon, as something I’ve anticipated for months finally happens. And as long as I still have her to talk to, that makes tomorrow worth it.

A dear friend of mine

So, once again I come to Tumblr to talk about someone in my internet life who matters so much to me. A friend of mine, who honestly I think is one of the bravest people I’ve ever met. A friend of mine who I wish I could do more for. 

This friend of mine is a wonderful, caring, and kind person, and someone I’m happy to call a sister. The problem is she doubts all of that. She constantly feels like she’s horrible, and ugly, and not deserving of the things she’s earned. Great friends, and a girl who loves her so much that it hurts her not to be so far away from her. 

Those feelings she has for herself are far from the truth. The person I’ve met in these last few months is one of the greatest people I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. A person who is creative, who has so much talent, but is so afraid of herself.

If only she had the chance to be with the woman she loves, and if only she was able to escape the hell hole she was unfortunately placed in in life, with people who don’t understand her, show intolerance to the things she cares for, and people who cause her to fear for her life if she ever told them who she really is. People who claim to be her family. 

I wish I could do more. I wish just tweeting my support, and being the shoulder to cry on wasn’t all I was capable of at this time. I often dream of the day the three of us could live together, and be happy. I would do anything to at least give them the chance for happiness. 

Brianna, I love you. You are a wonderful, and dear friend to myself, and everyone you’ve touched online. You are smart, funny, and have a talent with music and writing that I hope you continue on. You shouldn’t hurt yourself mentally and physically over such trivial things like dirty jokes, or being inquisitive and asking a question to a friend. You more than anyone I know deserve to be happy, and I pray for the day you get it. And I wish for you to finally be with the woman who means everything to you. 

My Little Pony Saved My Life

Well, maybe “saved my life” is a bit melodramatic. But without it, I doubt I’d have the things I have right now. Friends, a little bit of respect, and the love of my life.

Going into the show almost a year ago, I doubted I would ever truly enjoy it to the level I do. In honestly, I just needed a cartoon to kill time while the new Total Drama season was taking it’s sweet ass time to come on. It really was just going to be another cartoon. 

It wasn’t until the post of a hater of the show on a message board I frequent every day that things really changed. The enjoyment I had of the show began to turn into a passion, and it wouldn’t take too long until I found other posters who shared my feelings. Through the months that followed, I made several great friends, and people I honestly consider close enough to be family. 

In October, I suffered the worst mental breakdown I had in a long time. Feeling that I was useless and that in the end of things, I wouldn’t matter to anyone, I became depressed, and took to twitter to drown my sorrow. As time progressed, I started to tweet, more and more. And through twitter, I started to earn friends, and meet some really nice people. 

And then I met her.

Well, to be honest, I knew her from the forum. But it wasn’t until Twitter, and the friendship I made with her that things changed. She was one of the first to comfort me when I had felt down, and had shown true signs of wanting to be my friend. And I struck a great friendship with her. Not too long after, she did the bravest thing I had seen anyone do. Tired of living the lie of being a man, she finally came out to the world as the woman she knew she was. I was immensely proud of her since I’ll be honest, a lot of the time, I feel like her. I doubt my own masculinity, and wish to be a woman. So, knowing someone who could understand me better, I confided in her, and she helped me to understand myself better. 

And last month, that mutual respect between us became love. I confessed how I felt about her, and she felt the same way. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, and a month later I’m still happy. I have someone who I consider more than  just a girlfriend, more than just a friend. Someone who is more important to me than life itself, and I wish so badly I can be able to hug her, and show her physically how much I truly care about her. 

I’m glad to be the person she comes to for help with someone else in her life that matters so dearly to her, and that she wants to see finally be able to truly be happy. I feel so proud to know that I have her trust, and I’m so glad I can trust her back. And to think, if I had not given this show a chance, I may not have ever had this opportunity. And for that, I thank those responsible, and will forever be grateful for this show’s existence. 

I love you Taylor Rin Tilde. With every ounce of my being. And as long as you love me back, that’s all I’ll ever need.

Well…

I figured since a few people important to me that I associate with are using tumblr more, I figured I may as well too. 

I’ll probably post my thoughts a bit more as time goes on, though for the most part what I usually have in mind, I say through twitter. But maybe this I might warm to in time.